Are You Self Destructive?

Ask yourself the following questions:

Do you procrastinate? Turning things in late even though you had time to do complete something early? Are you capable of doing something but never end up doing it?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you are engaging in self-destructive behavior. So now the big question, how do we stop being self-destructive?

The underlying process that results in self-destructive behavior is your brain, in some way, convincing yourself that you aren’t good enough or unworthy. This persistent thought pattern affects millions of people every day; it’s a process known as the self-critic. Its psychological purpose is meant to allow yourself to learn from mistakes and evaluate your thoughts and actions to provide constructive criticism. However, this self-critic can drift away from constructive criticism and manifest into a harmful voice, instead of a helpful one.

While we highly recommend that you seek therapeutic counseling, everyone should; we wanted to provide a few ways that we think can help increase your self-confidence and reduce the intensity and frequency of self-destructive behaviors. With effort, there are ways to combat this self-critic, but it may take longer than expected dependent on how severe this detrimental and self-limiting voice is.

Let’s begin by determining what types of self-destructive patterns you tend to engage in. Start by making of a list of all the ways suspect are harming your success. If you can’t think of what to write, we’ve made a list below that might fit for you or can be expanded on:

  • Submitting things late
  • Arriving barely on time or late
  • Overconsuming socially accepted substance: caffeine, sugar, alcohol, processed carbohydrates, etc.
  • Addiction (drugs, gambling, sex, food, etc.)
  • Procrastinating
  • Talking behind the backs of other people
  • Driving over the speed limit
  • Refusing to wear a seat belt
  • Overspending
  • Not practicing safe sex
  • Having no plan for retirement
  • Refusing to buy insurance that you need
  • Failing to create strong and clear boundaries
  • Not having your personal and emotional needs completely satisfied
  • Scared to ask for what you want
  • Not speaking up for a promotion when you deserve one or after you’ve accomplished something great at work
  • Lacking an emergency fund
  • Fearful of criticism
  • Not reaching out for help (training, coaching, counseling)
  • Not investing in yourself
  • Delaying help or advice

This is just a brief list of several common ways we engage in self-sabotaging behavior. It’s not always known why we do the things we do, but we do know of a few ways to help move in the direction of greater self-confidence and less self-sabotaging behavior.

Here are the Eight Steps You Can Use To Increase Self-Confidence and Stop Self-Destructiveness

Step 1: Recognize that you are not alone

Everyone in the world struggles with confidence in some area of their lives. There are only a handful of people who are engrossed in confidence. However, those people are likely extremely arrogant and suffer from a superiority complex. The rest of us are consistently doing self-destructive actions otherwise advertisements and junk food wouldn’t be a thing. Take a deep breath; you’re not the only one.

Step 2: Reach out for support

You don’t need to handle this alone. It’s only going to make your life better if you’re getting the help that you need, whether this is counseling or life coaching or even both, do not be afraid to get help when you need it.

Step 3: Start implementing a positive attitude

Now your problems are not going to go away if you just invoke ignorance and think everything that has happened to you and will happen is a good thing. However, it’s incredibly likely that you are viewing your life negatively. It’s important to realize that the voice telling yourself that you’re not good enough and don’t deserve happiness is inside your head. What this means is that you’re the one in control, not this voice. You can start building a new brain pattern of positivity by simply reminding yourself that you’re a great person and that you do deserve happiness. It may not work at first, but over time you will help define a pattern in your brain of seeing the light of the world instead of the dark.

Maybe you’re on your way to work and traffic is causing you to be late, but hey, you got up, didn’t you? Yeah, it is raining outside but you haven’t sat by the fire with hot chocolate and your favorite book in weeks, today’s the perfect day. Evaluate your sentences as well, instead of saying “I can’t believe I ate another donut today when I told myself I would never do it again, I’m so pathetic” say “I know I told myself I wouldn’t eat another donut again, but I caved in. I’m too restrictive, maybe I’ll have a donut at work, but I’m not going to do it more than three times a week.” Rewiring your brain to develop healthy and positivity thinking patterns is critical for not only your self-confidence but for your overall wellbeing.

Step 4: Create and set firm boundaries

If you struggle with self-confidence, you already know it’s difficult to set clear boundaries with yourself and those around you. We suggest that you think about and set strong boundaries. These may include something like: I’m going to speak up when someone hurts my feelings. I’m not going to take advice from people who I never asked. I’m not going to allow people to make racist remarks around me even if it is not about my race. I won’t be peer pressured. Without clear boundaries, you’ll never allow your self-confidence to increase. You also won’t be able to earn the respect of your colleagues and employer for a promotion.

Step 5: Figure out how to completely satisfy your personal and emotional needs

Begin by first determining what your needs are and then you can figure out how you can get them satisfied.

Step 6: Become successful

Basically, we want to create a domino effect of success. Begin by getting a couple of wins, and you’ll start to notice your confidence rising, as it does, so will your success thanks to momentum. Start small, and you’ll begin to see a chain reaction of success.

Step 7: Learn to delegate.

What can you do if you simply cannot seem to get good at something? Hire someone. Pay someone to do something you’re not good at so you can focus on what you are actually good at. There’s no need to be great at everything, learn to delegate tasks by importance as well as assigning tasks that are taking up too much of your time.

Step 8: Celebrate your success, however small

Make it a habit to maintain a journal of your daily accomplishments. Reward yourself, pop open a bottle of wine or throw a party! Do something to celebrate your success, no matter how small it is. The more you do, the more you solidify that brain pattern of reminding yourself that you are good at things and deserve success.

Self-confidence is one of those things that you can develop just as well as lose. If you’ve been in a rut recently begin taking using these eight simple steps to help increase your self-confidence and kick out that negative self-critic. You know the steps, but this isn’t something that happens on its own. Having a professional and certified life coach by your side every step of the way to encourage and support you makes it substantially easier to become successful. You decide if you want to become successful or remain 10% away from it.

How To Effectively Handle Difficult People Calmly and Professionally

If you’re looking to improve both your professional and personal relationships, then it is highly recommended that you create a list of your boundaries and enforce them. Boundaries are used to define how other people should treat you and specifically, what behavior will not be tolerated.

When you create new boundaries, you also need to re-train the people around you. People treat you in a certain way because they have done so without any sign of you being offended or unsettled by their behavior. If you wish to introduce new boundaries, you’ll need to re-train those around you so they can learn what types of behavior are now accepted or not accepted by you. If you never protest undesired behavior such as rude comments, others will learn that you tolerate it and will subsequently walk over you.

Using a 4-step communication guide, you can begin changing how people treat you almost immediately with success. This tool can apply to anyone, even children or employers, but under the condition that you maintain a mellow and neutral voice during all of the steps. You cannot use tones reflecting anger, superiority, or sarcasm. It may be beneficial to take a moment to calm down before attempting to use this model by practicing in a mirror or taking some long deep breaths. The goal is to talk calmly without tension or difficulty so make sure you’re able to reach this tone prior to using these 4 steps.

The 4- Step Communication Method:

  1. Educate: “Did you know that you twenty minutes late?” “You scold me every day.” “You didn’t eat any vegetables at dinner for the past week.” If a talk explaining that they are engaging in undesired behavior doesn’t appear to result in a change, move on to step 2.
  2. Request: Talk to them and ask them to stop their behavior. “When we are supposed to meet, I ask that you appear on time.” “I’m going to ask you to stop scolding me from now on.” “Could you please eat at least one vegetable during dinner?” Move on to step 3 if they are still continuing to engage in the undesired behavior.
  3. Demand: Make a stern demand that contains consequences if they do not comply. “If you do not show up within twenty minutes then I’m leaving.” “You need to stop scolding me from now on.” “If you don’t eat your vegetables you’re not going to eat a dessert.” If they still continue, move onto step 4.
  4. Leave: Stay collected and without producing a snide or angry remark simply leave the area. “I am hanging up the phone; we can talk about this later when we are not upset.” “I’m not going to continue this discussion if you’re just going to yell at me. I’m going back to work, and we can talk later once you’ve calmed down.” “I’m heading upstairs; we can address this later once you’ve cooled down.” Your options at this point are to leave the situation for a brief moment which may include stopping a conversation, hanging up the phone or exiting the room. If you fear that your boundaries will never be acknowledged and upheld by others, then you may need to quit the job or relationship indefinitely.

Again, for this tool to be effective, you need to deliver each step in a calm and neutral voice. While it may be upsetting and frustrating, it’s important that you do not get angry or raise your voice if the individual(s) do not comply. The effectiveness lies in the delivery of a respectful and neutral tone of voice. We expect that after using this 4-step tool, you will earn more respect in both personal and professional relationships. If you do not clearly state your boundaries, they will never be respected. If you are not receiving respect, you may not get the opportunity to receive raises or promotions that you potentially earned. It’s interesting because most people think that setting clear boundaries will hinder or annoy others around them but it’s actually the opposite. Creating strong boundaries and enforcing them with a calm and collected grace beckons respect from your co-workers, peers, or employers. If you choose never to set boundaries or if they are not strong or clearly stated, others will certainly take advantage of that and walk all over you because they know you will tolerate it. If you think being a doormat isn’t all so bad, just remember that even nice people or your friends can’t avoid stepping on a doormat. How often do you see a doormat being given a raise or promotion? Boundaries are essential to improving both your personal and professional relationships. The quicker you create and enforce them, the sooner you’ll be given the respect you desire.

Life Coach Tips: I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this, but it’s so critical for your success that it needs to be restated: take a moment to calm down and collect yourself before attempting to use this 4-step strategy. If you educate and ask calmly, it’s unlikely you’ll need to proceed from steps 1 and 2. However, with children be ready to move onto step 3 by preparing to enforce consequences for their actions. This does not involve threatening. Using the 4-step communication tool with children may look something like this:

  1. Educate: “Did you know that you did not put away your crayons that you used earlier?”
  2. Request: “I ask that you go upstairs and put the crayons back in the box now.”
  3. Demand: “If you don’t go put away your crayons, I will, and after I do, I’m going to give them to your cousin because he is going to like them enough to make sure they’re put away after he uses them.”

This involves a consequence that matters to the child; someone else is going to have their crayons, and they won’t be able to use them anymore. All you have to do now is walk upstairs, and the child will sprint behind you take care of their crayons. Consequences are not the same as threats, so enforce them. When you go through with your word, people will understand that you are serious and respond with the desired request or deal with the consequences. It typically takes one approach before the person begins changing their behavior from undesired to desired. But if they do not:

4. Leave: With these circumstances, you hopefully won’t leave your child, but you will take their crayons to give to a cousin. Doing this should make your child think twice before refusing to do what you expect from them.

Time To Raise Your Standards

On the contrary to boundaries, standards refer to the behavior that you hold yourself accountable for. It would be hypocritical for you to boldly declare that people can’t make rude comments to you when you are verbally abusive. By enforcing your boundaries, you’ll naturally raise your standards.

Just like boundaries, you can set your own standards. Do you want to never lie to your family? Never yell at your co-workers? Be punctual? Provide criticism only when asked? Decide on which standards you believe you can uphold instead of ones you think you need. An easy way to set standards is by looking at those who you admire and list their greatest qualities and think about or even ask what standards of behavior they employ. Now you can decide on which standards that you’d like to employ yourself.

While people may not immediately recognize your standard of refusing to scold others, eventually they will notice how you address people professionally and respectfully which they will acknowledge and appreciate.

Become A Certified Life Coach Today

This 4-step communication strategy is just one of the hundreds of useful and effective methods used by life coaches every day to improve the lives of their clients. If you’re interested in learning how you begin practicing as a trained certified life coach check out our online life coach certification program today.

The Master Life Coach Certification provides a complete life coaching training program and 3 done-for-you life coaching packages!

  • Proven, step-by-step coaching packages and processes that you can use with your clients and already know exactly what to do and say during each session to help your clients achieve specific results and reach their goals.
  • Short-cuts to the knowledge of industry best practices, methodologies, and techniques that would take you months or even years of research and study and learn. (We’ve done the work, now you can benefit from it!)
  • Done-for-you forms, templates, questionnaires, agreements to give your business a jump start and save you time.
  • PLUS get certified as a coach in 3 high-demand coaching niches (happiness, life purpose, and goal setting/success), as well as receive the Master Coach Certification.
  • AND identify your tribe of ideal clients who you will love to work with and who pay you well!

One of the concepts discussed in our online life coach training program is what we like to call over-responding. Not to be confused with over-reacting, the phenomenon where someone produces an excessively dramatic or emotional response when it isn’t necessary, and instead refers to the careful evaluation of the situation to produce several solutions.

When you say that something “bad” happened to you, it is usually yourself that defines what is bad rather than the event. Due to “bad” being subjective, it’s important to look at the bigger picture and follow the decisions or events that lead to something “bad” happening in your life. For example, was there something you said or action you performed that resulted to this bad event? Ask yourself, “how can I prevent this from happening in the future?” It may likely be that there was no avoiding this event and that is perfectly acceptable. However, people often react or look to others to blame instead of responding, and while they may respond to the event, usually they do not over-respond.

Most people experience a point in their lives when they review their bank statements and discover that they are overspending, spending more money than they needed to or spending more than they had. An overreaction may be getting upset and blaming your spouse. Accusing them of spending their money on useless purchases is an example of a reaction. A respond may be a proposal that from now on you will both consult each other before making larger purchases and avoid spending money on unnecessary items or services.

Over-responding would be joining your spouse in the creation of an action plan to address the matter and to prevent overspending in the future. An action plan may look something like this:

  1. Hire a bookkeeper – They will review each of your receipts, credit card and check transactions in the past six months or so to determine where specifically your money is going. Creating individual categories provides an organized approach to your spending instead of lumping all your purchases under something like “Other.” They may help you maintain accurate and detailed financial records for the future.
  2. Review the financial report – You’ll see where your money is going which will allow you to decide on an area of your spending that can be reduced without lowering your quality of life.
  3. Regularly meet to talk about your spending habits and consult each other before making large purchases.
  4. Agree on a month-long hold on all large purchases to prevent impulse spending.
  5. Set aside some freedom money – Allow each partner to have some money to spend on whatever they want that does not need to be reviewed or accounted for by the other partner. This provides a sense of freedom where each partner can spend their money without going over the budget or feeling guilty afterward.
  6. Request extended overdraft protection from your bank.
  7. Consider a loan – If you’re looking to remodel the house, it is probably best to get a loan instead of using your budget on furniture.
  8. Discuss alternative ways to increase overall income.
  9. Head to the library to search online to find books and articles on couple spending to learn other ideas on how to improve your financial situation.

From now on make a genuine attempt to over-respond to the problem you are facing in life, don’t just respond or react. Begin looking at how you can fix the situation or make efforts to reduce the problem. This means that you should not simply address the symptoms, take some time to find the source of the problem; overspending may be the result of dissatisfaction in your personal and emotional needs, look to address the underlying cause rather than the immediate symptoms.